From comedians’ favourites to pun-based classics…

Listed below are 110 of the finest jokes and one-liners of them all, compiled from our very own collection of round-ups, and obtained from the mouths of comedy legends past and present.

Most useful jokes from comedians

“Crime in multi-storey automobile parks. This is certainly incorrect on a wide variety of amounts.” – Tim Vine

“Do you understand the things I love many about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the lawn, the dust. And that’s simply when you look at the hot dogs.” – David Letterman

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“i prefer a woman with a at once her arms. We hate necks.” – Steve Martin

“i’ve lots of growing up to accomplish. We realised that one other inside my fort. day” – Zach Galifianakis

“I used be effective at McDonald’s making minimal wage. Guess what happens this means an individual will pay you wage that is minimum? Do you know what your employer had been attempting to state? ‘Hey, you less, I would, but it’s against the law if I could pay.’” – Chris Rock

“Love is similar to a fart. If you need to force it it is probably s***.” – Stephen K. Amos

“I like an escalator because an escalator can break never. It could just be stairs. There could not be an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out of purchase’ indication, only ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs’.” – Mitch Hedberg

“If I became an Olympic athlete, I’d come in last rather than winnings the silver medal. You winnings the gold, you’re feeling good. You winnings the bronze, you believe, ‘at minimum i obtained something.’ But that silver is won by you, that’s like, ‘Congratulations, you very nearly won! Of all of the losers, you arrived in very first! You’re the number 1 loser! No body destroyed in front of you!’” – Jerry Seinfeld

“We weren’t very spiritual. On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer.” – Richard Lewis

“My gf is completely stunning. Body such as a Greek statue – totally pale, no hands.” – Phil Wang

“If Jesus had written the Bible, the very first line must have been ‘It’s round.’” – Eddie Izzard

“i purchased myself some eyeglasses. My observational comedy enhanced.” – Sara Pascoe

“Trump’s nothing can beat Hitler. There’s no real way he could compose a novel.” – Frankie Boyle

“You understand you’re class that is working your television is larger than your guide situation.” – Rob Beckett

“Most of my entire life is invested conflict that is avoiding. I scarcely ever go to Syria.” – Alex Horne

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“A spa resort? It is like a hotel that is normal just in reception there’s a photo of the pebble.” – Rhod Gilbert

“Life is similar to a field of chocolates. It does not last long if you’re fat.” – Joe Lycett

“My Dad said, always keep them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he destroyed their work in catastrophe relief.” – Mark Watson

“Apparently smoking cigarettes cannabis can impact your term that is short memory. Well if that’s true, just just exactly what do you believe smoking cigarettes cannabis does?” – Mickey P Kerr

“How many philosophers does it just just simply take to alter a lightbulb?…. none. They’re not really into that type of thing. If it is that dark, light a candle.” – Phil Cornwell

“The very first time we came across my spouse, we knew she had been a keeper. She ended up being putting on massive gloves.” – Alun Cochrane

“As a young child I became built to walk the plank. We couldn’t manage your pet dog.” – Gary Delaney

“Two fish in a tank. One says: ‘How would you drive this thing?’” – Peter Kay

“I saw a documentary on what vessels are held together. Riveting!” – Stewart Francis

“People who like trance music are particularly persistent. They don’t techno for a remedy.” – Joel Dommett

“I accustomed venture out with a giraffe. Familiar with go on it towards the images and therefore. You’d constantly get some bloke complaining that he couldn’t start to see the display. It’s a giraffe, mate. Exactly just just What would you expect? ‘Well they can simply just simply take their hat down in the first place!’” – Paul Merton

“Normally you’ve got news, climate and travel. Not on snowfall time. On a snowfall day, news is climate is travel.” – Michael McIntyre

“Here’s a picture of me personally with REM. That’s me personally within the corner.” – Milton Jones

“Someone revealed me personally an image of my regional MP one other day. ‘Would you get a second-hand automobile from this guy?’ they asked. ‘Would you get a second-hand vehicle?’ I responded.” – Miles Jupp

“With stand-up in Britain, that which you want to do is bloody swearing. In Germany, we don’t need certainly to swear. Explanation being, things work.” – Henning When

“I’m learning the hokey cokey. Only a few from it. But – I’ve got the intricacies.” – Iain Stirling

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic, and so am I.” – Billy Connolly

“My mother said, you don’t need certainly to place any such thing in the mouth area you don’t wish to. Then she made me consume broccoli, which felt like double criteria.” – Sarah Millican

“My therapist says i’ve a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about this.’” – Stewart Francis

“I’m yes wherever my father is, he’s looking down on us. He’s perhaps perhaps not dead, simply very condescending.” – Jack Whitehall

“‘What’s a couple of?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her wedding collapsed.” – Josie Longer

“The simplest time and energy to include salt to the wound is whenever you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin

“I became within my vehicle driving right straight back from work. an officer pulled me over and knocked back at my screen. We said, ‘One minute I’m from the phone.’” – Alan Carr